EMO mode

Argh. Can't focus with all those thoughts running through my brain. Seriously, maybe I really do deserve this shit. Fucked up mouth. Argh. Disgusting. Disgusted. ARGH! Fed up. Wanna fight back also think it's a waste of time, like seriously. When will I grow out of this shit.

SECRET (not anymore...)

I use to think how would my life be if I ain't me. Like physically base on appearance. If I had eyes that could zap the souls out of girls, then maybe my life would have been better. I would have gotten my way around anything and everything. Then girls wouldn't feel so turned off and disturbed. I use to wish for a charming voice (which in some way I do have :/) that could mesmerize girls too. All these does seems to make me look desperate doesn't it.

*period*

and then I realise... how much people actually care how I think and feel. How worthless my thoughts and feelings can get. Not even a penny perhaps. I'm always looking for attention, always trying to prove something. I'm always trying to prove that I'm good, always telling, bragging to people how multi-talented I am, being able to play basketball, badminton, tennis, squash, how I can sing. And lately, my latest hobby is to show off how I well I can play the guitar. I hate being myself. Why do I have to end up hating myself for who I am.


I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed again, and when I see this post again I'll think that I overreacted last night. But the truth is, this very moment I'm posting this I feel sour. I feel disgusted at myself. I feel very sour. I wanna breakdown and cry right now, but I can't because I don't wanna be heard.

I'm a down right jerk who is egoistic, arrogant, and fucked up. I probably deserve all insults that might be hurled at me. Only great thing I ever did today was to realise how much of an ass/jerk I would be to bring the guitar to school, to BBSS and to SVPS tomorrow, trying to show off.

Y'know, I hate the fact that no one hears me. No one bothers with what I rant and what I say here, not even my BESTFRIEND. I truly deserve it. I don't even get any respect from my sister, not from my juniors, and perhaps not even from my peers. I try so hard to be someone, to be respected, but I realised that I don't get what I want because this is life - life is unfair, and even worse if you're me.

And soon I'll sink further into hating life, hating myself, and hating the people around me...

What an attention seeker I am.

No one takes me seriously. They just laugh at me; they simply laugh at the joke - me.

5 Likes, you're awesome Clarence. Awesome at making a joke out of yourself. Way to go.

WOOOPS

I'm darn excited about returning to BBSS and SVPS tomorrow! Gonna see my friends from 4E2'09 and 6.1'05!! HAHAS SO AWESOME~ And there's dinner with BFF CLARA!! xD HAHAS

Wish I can continue, but have to cut off so that I can finish my revision (little but better than nothing eh?). AHH! Got too comfortable with my guitar and computer today. =/

ja-

"The way you blow me

Hot n' Cold

I'm gonna fall ill soon.."

"I've broken all the rules"

It's here! Ouch that piece of muscle between my left index finger and thumb still hurts badly. Attempted to play By My Side by David Choi with all barr chords (namely, E, B, Abm, A and Am) and this is what I got. Wonder how he does it. I suppose that piece of muscle is getting stronger as I type now, that means it's part and parcel of becoming a better guitarist! Will have to live with it and some day I'm sure I can do it too!

Alright, going back to the theme (Life as like the previous two posts) as the title suggests...

Let's put it straight-forward, I'm quite amazed at myself. Like seriously, it's not easy to live with a smile for 17 years when you are always, I repeat, always insulted and criticize for his actions and character, always laughed at for his small eyes and given nicknames of all sorts. But I suppose telling myself "I'm definitely not the worst person in the world," helps.

In primary school, my life's first turning point came - my first stroke of self-esteem. I am talkative by nature and often I am punished by my teachers because of it, but Ms Jenny Ong is different - she tapped on my nature of being talkative and made me the DJ for Pop-com back in school. Pop-com was (I don't think it still exists anymore) basically is where I will speak through the PA system of the school (as the DJ) and it's pretty much like Listening Compre, where there's a questionnaire just that instead of a passage, it's replaced by a song. Those experienced made me felt recognised and I was very proud of it. Then there was the chance to represent the class in the Show and Tell competition in school for P1. I still recall that there was once when I was in the staff room, two teachers were saying, "Isn't that the yoyo boy?" Or something along that line.

Back in primary school I have a number of nicknames. Carrot, carrot cake, and some other Chinese nicknames. Then in Secondary school I gained some other (like Chicken) from HJ (some tall Korean dude) and (I think) Cliff too. And now I have "Brackets". To some extent, these nicknames are acceptable and tolerable I suppose, just maybe except for "Chicken".

I'm often laughed at for my small eyes and to those who say things about my eyes, nasty things, I'll ask if they're jealous of me for my Small eyes. So that's basically how I manage the criticism I get for being born with relatively smaller eyes.

Life's been rather messed up these days though. In some aspects, my current class is better than my previous classes, and on the other hand, I so wish I have my classmates and friends from secondary school. (Correction: maybe just Sec 3 & 4 will do.) I can only hope for the better and take one step at a time. Things in class are pretty much the same, but at least things in choir are somewhat good and better than before, though there's still some distance from it replacing or anywhere nearer to where BBSS Choir stands in my heart. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them, maybe it's just everyone and everything.

The Love Irony
You like someone,but he/she doesn't like you; she doesn't think you're good enough for him/her. Then came someone who likes you, but you don't like him/her, and similarly, you don't think he/she's good for you. The irony.
- Clarence Liu

I recall how I use to collect country erasers, pokemon erasers back in primary school, in which I would play with my classmates. There was this once that I decided to keep a set of them in a blue pencilcase for remembrance in the future. And on the back of one of the erasers I wrote that I <3 you.

Believe me, no one part of the above is untrue or falsified in anyway. Thinking back, I do find myself foolish and childish, but I suppose that was me in the past - trying to outgrow my age, trying to act like a young adult, but the me then didn't know how to. Last night, curiosity struck me and I recalled about the erasers and wanted to find them and see them once more. Then my mother came into the room asking what I was finding (so that I wouldn't mess up the place), after which I answered and she told me that chances are they have thrown the erasers away long ago.

I guess I'm very much someone who loves to keep stuffs and that's why my room is so messy. I have lots of things here and there, but I assure you that they are of a certain level of remembrance value which is why I keep them after all.

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life.

Initial reference made to http://hearttstrings.blogspot.com

LIFE

There aren't gonna be any fullstops in this post as you'll soon notice
Why? Coz there's no end to this topic, and there's no end to life, or so I will believe
So it's gonna be stanzas and lines, somewhat like my writing style when I first started blogging

"Life", this word appears quite often in my posts
I'd say, "Life's been great" or "Life's been boring" these days
I also recall that I mentioned that one of my greatest fear is death, 'coz sadly, I don't know how to face Death
I don't know what to expect if anyone around me should some day leave this world
And I don't want to know how it feels and how I should react, I don't wanna know someone day
Even if it's someone I might hate or dislike (well, MAYBE except roof, JOKING! I'm not as evil as her)

And definitely not anyone who is close to me, yeap

"Life after Death" - the irony
Atheist I might be, I wanna believe in an after-life, the image of after-life is a temptation that no doubt not everyone can resist
My life, could have been said, to have little meaning before P6
It all boils down to that thought of going to NUS High and the want to succeed in Mathematics and become a Mathematician; however, I changed my thoughts and found Physics
I desire to succeed in Physics originates from the desire to discover the Truth in a less unorthordox way I would describe
I prefer to work within the laws of nature to discover this world, than to believe in a being I might never witness before me (which is ultimately why I deny God's existence)

I always thought I am crazy because now and then I would think that the world it what it seems to me because I am living in a dream (that means when I dream, I dream that I dream - doesn't make sense huh)
Everyone around me are imaginary and not real, all part of my dream
Then I realised that I'm not the only one who feels this way when I saw Felicia's latest post

I quote myself in one of my facebook status update, "I'm too selfish to tell people how I feel"

Man are selfish beings and that's because we all feel attached to this world we live in, we are bounded by world desires, we care how people think and how people feel
Often I cheat and tell others and myself that I can't be bothered by others comments about me because I've long gotten use to people misunderstanding (then again, if one person says something, it might be false; if many people says the same thing, something is wrong) because they don't feel me, merely percieve who I am from what they see and hear (Rights to Kwung Teng xD)

Then I realised that I too am human, no matter how much I wish to deny I am affected by how people view me, and that's why I feel oblige to change lately (and this thought has cause some negative side-effects)
I wanna be accepted, I'm mentally tired trying to prove myself and be myself
Then I tell myself, "I'm Cleristo, I must learn to love who I am and accept who I am and not what others percieve to be" A lie? Perhaps, the idea of Cleristo ultimately begins from me trying to accept myself and love myself, which is somewhat self-centered (I admit)
However, it also meant that change I may, I'm still Cleristo in some sense coz as Cleristo, I will respect my will and choice and whatever path I may choose to take
This may not seem logical to you cause it doesn't really seem logically to me either
Anyway, the main point is that "Change or no change, I'm still me"

To live on the belief that I must stay strong for the people around me is arrogant and foolish
No one asked me to protect them, who am I to enforce my protection over them
I'm obviously overestimating myself to think that I'll be able to protect the people around me and be strong for them to lean on
Who am I to say all these arrogant and foolish stuffs

I used to think that even if the sky falls, I'll be strong and fine; I used to be half-full
Ever since JC, I began to view things differently, I began to be pessimistic
Perhaps it's the expectations that I increasingly give myself
Or perhaps it's just JC life playing on me
But things only worsen when I realised that my "unbeatable ego", "arrogance" and "self-esteem" began to fall apart into nothingness lately
Would it be a bad thing? Coz' without all that evil, I might acutually be more easily accepted
But at a cost of everything I use to value, and defeating the first definition of Cleristo and causing to be afraid that I might have become mentally ill
I don't wanna believe that I'm sick, I don't wanna believe that I'm mentally affected and stress
Most importantly, I don't wanna breakdown
I'm afraid to fall, not knowing if I would be able to pick myself up
I wanna believe that there will be people who will stop me from falling, but I can't

I need a counsellor soon
This up and down, roller-coaster ride of a feeling I'm experiencing is tormenting me right to the core

FEAR.

I fear. I realised that every time I have some feelings and thoughts that I wish to express and share on my blog it's usually in the day or late in the night when I am about to sleep. Similarly, I can't seem to recall what I wanted to post this afternoon. I'll try to recall...




Alright, I can't seem to recall nor find anything on Facebook. Okay, so let's trace back to Saturday then. VCC was spectacular and David Choi's performance at the Esplanade was amazing, like seriously. I truely am convinced that he didn't use AutoTune or anything like that, he is for real and he's good. After his performance I felt more into playing the guitar! The passion's burning up!

Physics SPA is over! I'm so elated! Or rather kind of. I made a number of errors here and there initially but as I completed the experiment with much time to spare before the end of the paper, I managed to spot the mistake and corrected them according, had I not I'd be doomed. I seriously did some dumb mistakes in the calculations which made me flustered while rushing for time to correct the mistakes. My paper is darn dirty with lots of cancellations here and there.

Oh well, it's over anyway. Should be quite fine I guess, though I took some time to figure out the exact sources of error and wasn't able to reproduce word for word it should be very close. Just hope I don't get penalise for that cause it has happened on numerous occasions.


debating about when will I to see the councillor to talk about my problems... I'm tired....

CHEM SPA!!

O'boy was Chem SPA exhausting, both mentally and physically to some extent. I was sweating like mad during the assesment! Initially I even took my spectacles and wore it, but in no more than 10 minutes, I took it off as I was sweating like mad already. I had lots of trouble plotting the graph! The readings just doesn't seem to look nice and it caused me to lose quite some time and as a result I began to rush through the rest of the assesment. Good thing is, I looked through and didn't find any mistake so it should be not bad.

Went back to BBSS last evening and managed to hear out the choir. I suppose this is a vicious cycle. The seniors (at least for my batch) weren't good, and so our juniors aren't either, and we have yet to find a way to breakthrough the main obstacle. We are faced with a shortage of boys as usual, if only we have more we couldn't do much more things with a larger pool of 'talent'. It's hard to know what will the choir be in time to come, and even the near future (the next SYF) seems blur.

I'm sucha STUBBORN PIG!

I really do think I am a stubborn pig, talk about trying to perk yourself up and raise your self-esteem. I realised that sometimes I'm overly concerned with the choir, and that my attachment to the choir goes over the limit. I don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore. I feel that I'm being quite selfish in some sense. It's just like parents who want their children to take up certain art or do exceptionally well because they never tasted the same success, so they entrust their children to accomplish it for them. Similarly, because I wasn't able to achieve a Gold back in my days in BBSS, I am currently entrusting the current batch of Sec3s the role of finishing my unfinished business, which can be rather selfish.

I do hope that they can be successful and that they will really take my word for it, as like what I told them yesterday on areas that they should be looking out for and how to make sectionals more efficient. Revolutionising how BBSS Choir functions is probably the key to getting our first Gold and something has to be done if they want a Gold next year.

Currently, from what I see, the sec1s and 2s are quite a dissapointment, especially the sec1s don't even seem to be interested. Their physical body might be there but their mind and soul has long flew else where. It's a saddening sight la. I'll just do what ever I can provided that the sec 3s do come to me for advice, if not there's nothing I can do, right?

as time passses by, it seems that the distance between us has also lengthened. Even triple bonds can break I suppose, it ain't impenetrable.

ElMO-feeling
This ElMO-feeling is catching up on me lately. I feel down and upset easily, and I seem to have lost all my self-esteem. What has the world come to eh? The pigs are growing wings?? Clarence Liu is losing his self-esteem, that's really news.

and no matter how hard I try to ignore, I realised that I do dread facing all this by my own. Where are you when I needed you? I don't wanna blame anyone but I just don't like this feeling of being alone. I'm always there for you, give me a sign that you are too.

This is because I didn't scream and shout at Ashvin earlier on! He didn't do his work and I was rather furious, and luckily I had Chemistry Lecture between lunch break (during which I took some time to check my mail for the group's work before printing) and Project Work tutorial which kinda cooled me down.

AAHHH~ After seeing Team Singapore Basketball play I feel very fired up to play basketball once again. Haven't been trainning and playing as frequent as before, luckily we are playing basketball for P.E lessons, it should act as some form of trainning I guess. So I guess that's another thing I wanna do after promos - to train and play very hard! Alright, there's work to do.

Ja!

TGIF!!!
I can't believe it! It's Thursday already! Woots! This week is rather short and I like it! This post's gonna be rather short too. Dang.

Imagine you're leaving in a hut, and then one fine day it began to rain and you realise that the rooftop is leaking. So it's rainning and because it's inconvenient to repair the leak while it's rainning you put it off saying, "I'll do it when the rain stops." So the next day the rain stops and you thought to yourself, "Well, since it's not rainning, it's not urgent," and you put it off once again. And this cycle continues.

So, what's the moral of story?

Pessimistic and Optimistic

So if you're pessimistic when some one passes you the donut you'd probably shout and ask, "WHY IS THERE A HOLE! WHY!" Then if you're optimistic, you'd be thinking, "NICE! WHITE SUGAR! SWEET!"

Alright, kinda dumb but yea. I think I'm gonna stop here. Tired! I'll best be doing some work before I turn in for the night. Which reminds me, I have EoM draft 2 to complete. Great.

Ja!

CHOIR FAREWELL PARRTY 2010-11

was a BANG!!

Yes it was!!

Alrighty! I've got quite some things to say and it's 0100 in the morning of National Day!! Woots! I'm gonna have to type extremely fast. *hopes that his 'n' button doesn't comes off*

*PERIOD*

YES! BACK! Okay. So I very much enjoyed myself at the party! I really did! I am so proud of myself! I didn't tremble from emcee-ing! Hahas. Usually I would tremble at such a crowd, I'm glad I overcomed my fear. I was very worried that I might embarrass myself infront of everyone before the party coz I know that chances are I might tremble and not be able to fight back against my stage fright, but luckily, I only sweat a bit more in the beginning.

Estelle was nice too! I am quite guility that most of the time I was hogging the mic and did not let her talk. So sorry~ Ahhh~ Hahas

I'm beginning to dislike some people in class. AAHHH~ Whatever~ I'm just gonna be myself, but maybe change myself to be more humble. I need to be less exaggerated and stop trying to show-off. Even if I know, I should just jolly well keep it to myself.

Other than that... I need to study! I need to mug! I need to work hard! Which is why I must stop now. Hahas

What a way to end of this post~ Keep up with me on Facebook or Twitter! JA!

Whatever~

Perhaps, I'm the only one who's confused. Ahhh~ What to do!!

AAAHHHHH! Farewell party's tomorrow! Right. In the end, we managed to clear up everything and finally settled down on our choice of item. Cool! National Day parade in AJ just isn't the same as that of back in BBSS and probably any secondary school. It isn't as grand as in JCs, there aren't uniform groups thus we don't have a marching contingent. All we had was that few number of people doing the parade commands and raising of the national flag (whatever it should be termed as). I was quite emotional during the national day parade, on the verge of tearing. Guess I do kinda miss BBSS. =(

FINALE

Just when I thought that I can finally join my class for afternoon P.E already, Mr Lim just have to do all this shit. Whatever~ AAAHHHHH~ Everything seems to be moving at high speed but even so I'm still on a slow pace taking my time to enjoy time while I can before the Promos start. I haven't even really start planning on a battle strategy to fight against the promos.

I'm darn tempted to say that I'll stay away from DotA immediately after this week but I doubt I'll be able too. Or at least I'll need those friends of mine to vouch that they will stay away from DotA just like I should. That would be like pulling them to hell with me, that is if you consider not being able to come online and DotA hell. How?! What should I do?! Well, perhaps I should leave it till next week, or perhaps I should be a good boy, LIKE REALLY, and mug hard during the long weekend to come.

I should like really start studying and take the long weekend as a test of stamina on how much I can take. Should probably also start planning on my battle strategy. Having failed terribly (in my personal opinion although some people would say that 2 Cs, 2 Ds and 2 Es are relatively good), I've learnt some lessons on how I should plan my weeks before the promos better. I do plan to put some of my old strategies in to use in hope that they better not fail this time round. I can't take anymore shocks.


LATELY,  I have been recalling about a certain old friend which brings back some interesting, odd and sad moments (especially that moment when I decided that's it and when I saw that particular post). I simply haven't got the simplest idea how I should be acting lately towards her rants on Twitter and whatnots.


"FAREWELL" is not too far away! It's just merely like 6 days away! Like ZOMG! I haven't memorised the songs nor completed whatnots for the party. Not to mention that I will be the MC for the day, along with my co-host Estelle. We're struggling through it but so far so good? Not too bad I guess. Well, that's how optimistic I am. The guys, we will be doing I'm Yours by Jason Mraz in the end with Jun Wei leading us on the guitar and hopefully I can get the strumming pattern and sing and play. I don't like the idea of lending Jun Wei my guitar to play for us, not one bit. Fine, maybe just 70-80%.

I'm kicking and living and I'm hoping that Promos (and make a wish that all my dreams and hopes can all come true. I could really use some wishes right now.) and everything evil will pass soon. Let's see, Farewell Party, Farewell Assembly, Promos, WR, Chinese A Level's, PW OP. WOW! Like what a fantastic journey ahead. Hope you sensed the sarcasm. I love guitar and I love my guitar! I love my TGM D200!

I hope I can tell you that I love you too.

Ja~

P/S: I want a new headset! But I'll have to sell away my current one somehow before I can get a new one.
P/S/S: I wanna get good results for promos! Like seriously. Minimum, I want A for Physics, B for everything else. Hahas. I'm greedy, I know. xD

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