LIFE
There aren't gonna be any fullstops in this post as you'll soon notice
Why? Coz there's no end to this topic, and there's no end to life, or so I will believe
So it's gonna be stanzas and lines, somewhat like my writing style when I first started blogging
"Life", this word appears quite often in my posts
I'd say, "Life's been great" or "Life's been boring" these days
I also recall that I mentioned that one of my greatest fear is death, 'coz sadly, I don't know how to face Death
I don't know what to expect if anyone around me should some day leave this world
And I don't want to know how it feels and how I should react, I don't wanna know someone day
Even if it's someone I might hate or dislike (well, MAYBE except roof, JOKING! I'm not as evil as her)
And definitely not anyone who is close to me, yeap
"Life after Death" - the irony
Atheist I might be, I wanna believe in an after-life, the image of after-life is a temptation that no doubt not everyone can resist
My life, could have been said, to have little meaning before P6
It all boils down to that thought of going to NUS High and the want to succeed in Mathematics and become a Mathematician; however, I changed my thoughts and found Physics
I desire to succeed in Physics originates from the desire to discover the Truth in a less unorthordox way I would describe
I prefer to work within the laws of nature to discover this world, than to believe in a being I might never witness before me (which is ultimately why I deny God's existence)
I always thought I am crazy because now and then I would think that the world it what it seems to me because I am living in a dream (that means when I dream, I dream that I dream - doesn't make sense huh)
Everyone around me are imaginary and not real, all part of my dream
Then I realised that I'm not the only one who feels this way when I saw Felicia's latest post
I quote myself in one of my facebook status update, "I'm too selfish to tell people how I feel"
Man are selfish beings and that's because we all feel attached to this world we live in, we are bounded by world desires, we care how people think and how people feel
Often I cheat and tell others and myself that I can't be bothered by others comments about me because I've long gotten use to people misunderstanding (then again, if one person says something, it might be false; if many people says the same thing, something is wrong) because they don't feel me, merely percieve who I am from what they see and hear (Rights to Kwung Teng xD)
Then I realised that I too am human, no matter how much I wish to deny I am affected by how people view me, and that's why I feel oblige to change lately (and this thought has cause some negative side-effects)
I wanna be accepted, I'm mentally tired trying to prove myself and be myself
Then I tell myself, "I'm Cleristo, I must learn to love who I am and accept who I am and not what others percieve to be" A lie? Perhaps, the idea of Cleristo ultimately begins from me trying to accept myself and love myself, which is somewhat self-centered (I admit)
However, it also meant that change I may, I'm still Cleristo in some sense coz as Cleristo, I will respect my will and choice and whatever path I may choose to take
This may not seem logical to you cause it doesn't really seem logically to me either
Anyway, the main point is that "Change or no change, I'm still me"
To live on the belief that I must stay strong for the people around me is arrogant and foolish
No one asked me to protect them, who am I to enforce my protection over them
I'm obviously overestimating myself to think that I'll be able to protect the people around me and be strong for them to lean on
Who am I to say all these arrogant and foolish stuffs
I used to think that even if the sky falls, I'll be strong and fine; I used to be half-full
Ever since JC, I began to view things differently, I began to be pessimistic
Perhaps it's the expectations that I increasingly give myself
Or perhaps it's just JC life playing on me
But things only worsen when I realised that my "unbeatable ego", "arrogance" and "self-esteem" began to fall apart into nothingness lately
Would it be a bad thing? Coz' without all that evil, I might acutually be more easily accepted
But at a cost of everything I use to value, and defeating the first definition of Cleristo and causing to be afraid that I might have become mentally ill
I don't wanna believe that I'm sick, I don't wanna believe that I'm mentally affected and stress
Most importantly, I don't wanna breakdown
I'm afraid to fall, not knowing if I would be able to pick myself up
I wanna believe that there will be people who will stop me from falling, but I can't
I need a counsellor soon
This up and down, roller-coaster ride of a feeling I'm experiencing is tormenting me right to the core
