091212
My mind seems to cling onto her name at every mention, thoughts about her can't seem to stop springing up. Memories, bad and good, of the past comes to mind, scaring myself nonetheless, like how I'd like to say it: killing or stabbing myself with a smile on my face.
I somehow came to have this crazy thought, tonight (091212), of sending a text to her: "Thursday, cuppa at BP Starbucks. Yes/No/Another day." And the 'excuse' I formulated, to somehow answer for my crazy thought, is that I seek some kind of closure to what happened 1 year back. 'Another day' to say that she is genuinely not free, but willing to settle for another time.
I want a proper closure, I guess, I want it almost just as much as I did then. I want to know if what I feel is real. Then again what is real? I want to be able to at least share some time, albeit short, to be in the same room, same space, with this girl I've been going crazy all over for like 5 years now; on-and-off but nonetheless always somewhere at the back of my mind, somewhere engraved on my heart, a part of me surely. I want to understand what I'm feeling, I want to maybe somehow put an end to what I feel, put an end to the recurring memories that seem to pop-up now and then even on the streets.
Am I wrong to feel this way, to think this way? I want to move on, and yet again the environment doesn't seem to help, the circumstance don't favour. That emotion I feel still latches onto her, and it's not coming off. I feel silly, I know it's silly, I don't even know if it's worth it, if she's worth it, but yet I act as if she's the one, the only one, the right one for me. It's so annoying the way I feel.
And yet again, what will I really achieve from that 'cuppa' session? What if I really do confirm that what I feel is real, or feels right? What if I don't? Also, what if she doesn't agree? But of course, why I am even being considerate of what she thinks now. I feel like I wanna be selfish. Similar to the first and the second attempt, there's this part of me that just simply want to have its way. I didn't really care what were the consequences, I just simply wanted to let her know, I wanted to shout it out loud, I wanted it to be known. It was illogical. I didn't bother to think what would happen otherwise, I didn't care what she might think, I didn't even consider the possibility she might accept me from the past experience up till then. That was exceptionally apparent when she told me that if she had ever felt anything at all for me in those times, she would have told me one way or another.
I didn't realised that. It was utterly reckless, but yet it felt right at that moment, it was crazy but every moment since the time I started to make my move I felt good, it felt right. It brought a smile to myself every now and then, it gave me a purpose, it gave me a fuzzy feeling, warm, and hope.
What exactly is this that I feel? What is love, if it's what I feel, to make me feel the way I do. And what should I do..? I thought I had it figured out after all these times, thought I had settled on moving on, but now, I'm not so sure. It's annoying how it started to haunt me once again even after 1 year, 1 whole year without contact -- what nonsense is this!
And I really can't be sure if there's anyone who I can talk to about. I'm not sure if I'd like to hear what I might hear, not sure if the friend would understand and appreciate this illogical, inexplicable, unreasonable, unacceptable, unexplained emotions I'm going through. Perhaps I may very be the only one who understands what I feel, yet at a loss altogether.
It's 23:09 right now, and I'm finally feeling more calm, but more or less because I'm feeling sleep already. So that's the end of my outburst of emotions, penned down exactly the way I know best -- like as if in a diary or that of a blog post.
To the future me, (if it's of any help)
Hopefully the next time you read this you'd have found peace from within.
And if you are a friend who is reading this, knock some sense into me.
